Dear Foxtail,
We exchanged exactly 16 words when we met at Target. (I just counted.) I left the video games aisle without even actually looking at anything, because I was just so overwhelmed by how cool you looked, I almost couldn’t bear to be around you. That sounds mean, so I’ll just put it this way: seeing you out and about was like looking at the sun.
You made me remember what it felt like to be you. I’m otherkin, too, you see. I first found out when I was in middle school, thanks to the brief and spectacular friendship of a girl two years my senior who was a lot like you: sincere and open, wildly creative and, frankly, one of the coolest people I’ve ever known. First I found out what I was; then I had to decide who. I played at being a little bit of everything, for a time. I was wolf and cat and chimera and hyena and tiger and something and who knows until I learned the obvious truth, obvious to everyone but me, that my heart is in every way a shapeshifter. I wanted every color of clip-on tail. I barked when I was happy and hissed when I was mad. I wanted to go to a real life Howl more than anything; until then, I decided that howling at the full moon would suffice, even if I only ever howled alone.
But then something happened. A lot of things, actually. The real me didn’t die by a thousand cuts, but they sure did learn how to hide. My friend moved up and out and on; suddenly I had no one left who understood. I was mocked for snarling when I didn’t know any other way to say, Get away from me. Suddenly I couldn’t snarl anymore, not even when I wanted to. I traded ears and tails for fear and shame. Only now am I learning how to love my strange, wild heart again. I am offering her a coaxing handful of tasty treats, telling her it’s okay to come out now, it’s safe, they’re gone. Seeing you reminded me of how fun it was to be me. How free I felt. I hope you never make the mistake of letting anyone take that away— because, take it from me, it is a mistake. I know you’re strong and you’re brave already. I just hope you’re stronger and braver than I was.
It’s rough out here in the South. A big reason— a huge reason, actually— why I didn’t go back to the games aisle was because I was scared you’d think I wasn’t telling the truth when I told you being therian is awesome. But I was. I’m proud of you. You make me feel like we’re all going to make it. The world’s a scary place right now, but I feel a little less scared knowing you’re out there. I’m glad there will always be people like you, who aren’t afraid to be themselves. I’m glad there’s still whimsy in the world. I’m glad, more than anything, that the culture is alive and well, right where I left it. It comforts me immensely to know it will welcome me back in with open arms whenever I’m ready to get over myself, the same way it did when I first stumbled into it.
I hope we both get to go to a Howl someday.
As soon as I get the time and the space and the materials, I’m going to make my own hyena mask, and I’m gonna make it because of you.
And that's why I remember you.
Love,
Yellow Blouse
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